In six weeks…

In six weeks, I’ve seen myself more clearly than I have in years. I’ve faced demons and pushed them aside only to find old forgotten wounds. I’ve built new bridges and fixed old ones and let some be taken by the storm. I’ve tried to understand my responsibility within a difficult time and an acceptance of who I am within that space.

In six weeks, I lost sight of what was important to anxiety and uncertainty and found it again in the reassurances and support of friends. I have laughed, I have cried, I have slept all day, stayed up all night, wondered why I couldn’t write, wondered why I should, wondered why it mattered.

In six weeks, I have the insides of my own mind as much as the insides of my apartment. I have walked in circles. Tried to find routines, tried to break old habits, and all I got out of it was that I still have a million miles to go.

In six weeks, I’ve done what would have taken a whole year to do. Haven’t read nearly as many books as I’ve wanted, I haven’t played all the games I have built up ready to play, I haven’t put words to paper as much as they slip from my ears when I dream. But I have put my breath, and my soul, and my intent into something neglected.

In six weeks, I have built a stronger foundation of mind and heart. I feel like my roots are planted stronger now than they ever have been. And not just in the place where I live, or the relationships that I carry, but in the way that I reach out to the world and they way the world reaches out to me. It’s not perfect, but is anything ever?

In six weeks, I reduced myself to my basic parts and rebuilt what I had. The anxiety is still there, the uncertainty still plagues me, these are parts of me that will probably always be here, but I have long ago learned to take the hand of those shadows and be kind to them. But the house I have built for these things is better, stronger, more capable of easing the anxiety and the uncertainty. There is still so much to learn, there might even be another rebuild waiting for me in the future, but for now this is the place where I find myself.

When the catastrophe shifts, whatever is on the other side, I feel ready to face it, to embrace it, and to carry on a stronger person.